Parenting is a skill—you have to practice to grow stronger.

Illustration by Bonnie Kate Wolf

If there is one piece of (unsolicited) advice I give to new parents- it's this: non-dominant parent, learn how to take care of the baby and also get shit done; dominant parent: learn how to hand off baby, walk away, and rest.   

Let me start over. 

I see a lot of new moms in my private practice. I see them preparing for the baby, dealing with pregnancy, balancing work and home demands. I see them preparing the nursery, washing the clothes, saving up for their deductibles. I see them working up til 38, 39, 40 weeks, so they can maximize their maternity leave for once the baby is actually here. 

And then, I see them in the days, weeks, months after the baby arrives. I see the slow denigration of the house around them. I see them learning how to live on 2 or 3 hours of sleep, and then get up and start all over every day, with no relief in sight. And then I hear insane stuff like this:

"Well, my partner has been taking the night shift with the baby. I do the 10pm feed, then I go to bed and my partner stays up til 3 am.  He's really tired too because he stays up watching tv/playing on the computer/scrolling Reddit." And I try my best to resist saying, "What the fuck?!?!" 

But honestly, I usually do say that out loud. Because, WHAT THE FUCK.

The distribution of work is uneven If one parent is barely getting their essential needs met (eating, sleeping, daily hygiene) while the other parent has time to engage in leisure activities. 

So, again, I say, "Non-dominant parent, the most important thing you can learn to do in this early period is watch the baby and get shit done. 

I am not saying that the partner isn't allowed to watch tv; I am saying if the partner has time and energy to play video games, the partner also has time to run the dishwasher, wash the pump parts, do an online grocery order, and switch out the laundry. Because when this doesn't happen, here's what I see:

I see mom losing her mind because the baby only sleeps when mom is holding her, so mom sits and holds the sweet baby so she'll get a nap but as mom is doing that, mom is constantly surveying her surroundings and thinking, "I need to do those dishes! Oh my gosh, the laundry has been wet in the washer since Monday! Oh shoot, we're out of milk and if I don't place the grocery order in the next half hour we'll miss all the time slots for today! God I'm starving, but I can't risk waking the baby because she slept poorly last night and the experts say Sleep Begets Sleep so I better just keep sitting here as long as I can bear it to try to get this baby back on a schedule!"

So, I'll repeat: Parenting is a skill. You have to practice to grow stronger. 

For example: many new parents feel uncomfortable leaving the baby in a room alone for the first weeks or months of the baby's life. This sometimes leads to parents sitting and watching baby sleep, maybe while looking at their phone or watching TV or playing video games. This discomfort is totally normal- but it can be reduced by practice. Practice setting the baby down in a safe space (no suffocation hazards, no fall risks).  Walk out of the room. Count to 20. Go back in and peek at the baby. Still alive? Still content? Cool. Try it again. Go out of the room and count to 50.  Repeat repeat repeat.

Next skill: walk away from the baby (in their safe space) and do a task. Don't know what to do? Make a list. 

Here are my favorite list topics:

• household things that need to be done several times a day

• household things that need to happen daily

• household things that need to happen once a month.

Don't ask your partner what needs to be done; invite them to contribute to your growing lists so both of your household needs get attended to. 

So here we go- both parents should be able to:

• walk away from the content baby, load the dishwasher, run the dishwasher, wash pots and pump parts (several times a day activity). Return to baby. Still cool? Cool. 

• Reference the grocery list and place your grocery order (weekly activity.) 

• Check the washer and dryer. Rewash the clothes that have started to mildew (daily activity.) Check on the baby. Still cool? 

• Have fun playing a few minutes of video games. 

The bottom line is that developing good parenting/partnering habits early leads to healthier parenting/partnering relationships in the long run. When these skills aren’t developed, I see relationships brimming with resentment and distance. Partners who learn to share the parenting load grow deeper connections with each other and set themselves and the baby up for successful relationships.